January 24, 2008 at 2:54 pm (Jokes)

Now playing: Bali – Traditional Musicians – Cockfight – Trance in Paksabali & Keseiman – Gamelan Beleganjur
via FoxyTunes

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The perfect wine glass

January 24, 2008 at 2:52 pm (Jokes)

Found this and other such fun on Austin Knights Windows Live Blog of Jokes
Now playing: Amy Winehouse – You Know I’m No Good
via FoxyTunes

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Never Argue with a Woman

June 8, 2006 at 7:38 pm (Jokes)

One morning the husband returns after several hours of
fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the
boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors,
and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am.
What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)”You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he
informs her. “I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing.
I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I’ll have
to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual
assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game
warden. “That’s true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely
she can also think.

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A little Jewish humor

June 8, 2006 at 7:38 pm (Jokes)

A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”
She immediately replies, “The one on the right.”
“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?
The Jewish mother replies, “I don’t like her.”

There’s a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

When the doctor called Mrs. Liebenbaum to tell her that her check came back, she replied, “So did my arthritis.”

A man calls his mother in Florida . “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good”, says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible! Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother
he’s been given a part in the school play.
“Wonderful! What part is it?” replies his mother.
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
The mother scowls “That’s terrible. Go back and tell the teacher that you want a speaking part.”

Q – How does a Jewish mother change a light bulb?
A -(Sigh) Don’t bother, I’ll sit in the dark, I don’t want I should bother anybody.

Q – Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish
mother on the street and said, “Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
A – “Force yourself” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

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The Italian Tomato Garden

April 25, 2006 at 8:40 am (Jokes)

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man’s house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn’t find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

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A young guy from Minnesota

February 8, 2006 at 10:02 am (Jokes)

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job. The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.” His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, “One”.

The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?” The kid says, “$101,237.65”. The boss says, “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?” The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?” The kid said, “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.

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February 2, 2006 at 12:33 am (Jokes)

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of
seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his
shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he
gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder
again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When
she is about to hand him another batch again he asks
the little old lady why they don’t eat the peanuts

“We can’t chew them because we don’t have any teeth”,
she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate
around them.”

It pays to be careful around old people.

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